


Falling Slowly

by Roverandom



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - A Song of Ice and Fire, F/M, One Shot, Romance, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 05:10:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4816253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roverandom/pseuds/Roverandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a one-off that may turn into other one-offs exploring the "what if" side of things with Shireen Baratheon and Podrick Payne. Starting as good friends but developing into something more. To give some background into this Alternate Universe Future Fic: Sansa is Queen. The Red Keep was badly damaged, but not obliterated. Podrick is a Queensguard (recommended by Brienne). Shireen asked for Edric Storm to be legitimized since she had other plans and did not want to feel pressured into marrying someone at a young age. Instead, she is leading a huge initiative to bring education to the small folk, something she started in her own region. Queen Sansa recently granted funding to expand the project, provided it shows results. If Shireen is successful, she will be given a new position at the Red Keep and oversee the educational program for the realm. Sansa assigned Podrick to accompany and protect Shireen through her travels, where the next phase of the project begins. This one-off starts as they are wrapping up things in Storm's End. Shireen is 20. Podrick is 18.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling Slowly

Podrick stretched his neck and leaned forward on the railing, looking down for the first time that evening. He had been up here for hours because the view from the lighthouse was the best in the city. There was even a high-powered far-eye up here, but it was currently behind locked doors. Even when they were open, he wouldn’t be allowed in to look through it. Its use was for trainees only.

Below him, the city was pitch black – the roofs only slightly visible by the light of the stars and the sliver of a crescent moon. He hoped he would get to relax here. Sleep never did that these days. It was always just restless jostling between crowded dreams that he never remembered after waking. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a complete, full night of dreamless sleep.

There was no reason why it should be that way. Shireen’s duties had kept her at Oldtown for the past few months. There was little to no danger here. All he had to do was be on call. He should be sleeping like a baby. Instead, he felt completely uneasy in this city of knowledge. There was something about it that was unsettling. It was too… something. Too ancient, weighed down by its own history. So much happened here, and yet, that past was more like an anchor than a sail for the city.

It was here that the leaders of a devastated Westeros hoped to spur on a renaissance of sorts; Oldtown was to once again, become a beacon of civilization for the rest of the world. Podrick was not so sure; maybe not so much about Oldtown’s potential for greatness, but how someone like him fit into the grand scheme of things. What more could he possibly offer that society? Though he was a Queensguard, the prestige that title once gave was increasingly becoming irrelevant. At the end of it all, what was he? A sellsword with shinier garb?

What confused him – no, annoyed him – the most was that Shireen was fanatical about this place. She absolutely loved it, gawking at every corner and exclaiming with glee at every new-found wonder. She spent days in the old library – he didn’t even remember seeing her once in that three (or was it four?) day span. In fact, in these past three months he hadn’t seen much of her at all.

She had been gone nearly every day at one of the many Citadel building clusters, meeting with that blind maester-in-training from Yi Ti. Talking business, he supposed, but just the other night Shireen had invited Podrick to dine with some of the maesters and their trainees, including this blind one. By the end of it, he was even more annoyed with Oldtown.

“Podrick, this is Xu Li Cheng,” Shireen gestured to the young man beside her. “But just call him Li. Xu is his family name.” His hair was thick, dark, and shone like the plumage of a crow when it caught the light. Equally dark, close-set eyes did not focus on anything, but his head was always turned towards Shireen when she spoke. “In fact, Li is from a very influential and ancient family in Yi Ti. I mean, he’s a direct descendent of the famous Scarlet emperor Har Lo — isn’t that amazing?”

Li laughed, then spoke with a rich, low voice. His hand trailed over to Shireen’s and rested there. “Lady Shireen, I told you already. Many people in Yi Ti are descended from this emperor. He was not, as you would say, very picky in his choice of partner.”

The hand resting would have bothered him less if Li had been uglier. In fact, Podrick figured the added allure of his foreign background would actually benefit him with women in this city, if he had not picked a profession where he was sworn to celibacy, of course. Still, for someone who was supposed to be devoted only to his profession, he sure seemed to cling onto every word Shireen said. At one point Li leaned over to whisper something in her ear. She smiled — the smile she rarely gave anyone — and whispered something else back to him.  As she did so, her face passed under just enough of the candlelight so that Podrick could see the deep shade of red that had taken hold.

Something ugly stirred deep within him after that. Excusing himself early, he had decided to take a brisk walk to the local night market. He had hoped the bustling of evening shoppers would distract him from the image of the two of them huddled close at the table. It had not. Instead, that image had followed him around like a dark shadow for the rest of the week, tainting his view of everything in this city.

“You big, clumsy lout,” he spoke out loud to the darkness as he once again recalled that evening. The memory of her smile surfaced again, kicking up the ugly monster that had taken hold of him that night. “What right do you have to be jealous? And of a blind man? Pathetic.”

“What’s pathetic?”

Podrick turned so quickly towards Shireen that he strained his neck. He winced as the nerve pulled and radiated heat like burning coal all the way up his neck and into his cheeks. The pain caused his eyes to swell with tears, and that made him angry. Out of all the scars he bore why did something so small cause so much pain?

Shireen noticed it right away. “Oh my, are you all right? Did I startle you?”

His tone was more annoyed than he felt due to the pain. “What are you doing here?”

She backed off for a moment, looking down and scratching at the back of her ear. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you.”

He sighed, rubbing the sore spot on his neck. “You’re not. I just—I didn’t expect you.”

“I’d be surprised if you were. It is pretty late, after all.”

She inched closer to him, and he felt the pain starting to go away. It was dark, but his eyes had adjusted well to it by now. He could see that there was heaviness around her eyes. She looked even more exhausted than he felt.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

She nodded and leaned onto the railing next to him. “You too?” When she looked at him, he could see now that it was more than just exhaustion in her eyes. She looked as though she had just been crying. He tried not to show that he had noticed, for fear of embarrassing her.

“I’m used to it,” he said, turning his back to the railing. “How did you know I was here?”

“This city has many eyes, Podrick, and they notice when a Queensguard is among them.”

“I guess that’s all anyone will ever see me as.” He blurted this out without thinking, and then regretted it.

But Shireen did not respond to it. He realized she must have known that this was how he felt, he just never actually voiced it before.

“Actually no one told me you were here,” she said. “I just wanted to go somewhere with a view. I should have known you’d be here with your beloved night sky. Before we leave Oldtown I bet you’ll break into that room so you can look through the Myrish eye.”

He turned to her and saw the beginning of a smile on her lips. The heaviness he was feeling started to lift. It amazed him at how little she had to do to make him feel better.

“That would be something,” he said. “But I’m not a maester.”

“Nor am I. Probably a good thing, really. It’s not such a glamorous life.” Her shoulders drooped slightly.

He considered his words carefully before speaking next. “A lack of sleep doesn’t lead to one either. I may be a night owl, but you live for sunrises. You must have important business being up here. Or, did you want to be alone?”

“I do, but I don’t want you to leave,” she said as something between a sob and a hiccup caught in her throat. She took a deep breath before she continued. “I want to be alone but I know it’s not good for me to be right now.”

Podrick immediately forget about everything — his exhaustion, the darkness he felt, and the memories of that dinner — it was all gone in an instant. He did his best to sound comforting and strong, instead of the ball of nerves that he felt.

“Really? Is everything all right? You know you can tell me anything.”

“I know,” she murmured. “I just don’t know if I can formulate words to explain everything. It’s too… ugh, I don’t know. It’s life, you know?”

He didn’t really know, but he nodded anyway, hoping she’d clear it up.

“There’s so many things going through my head I can only speak in fragments. You don’t have to try to help with it either. Just… just listen.”

“Of course. It’s not someone causing you trouble is it?”

“No, no. Well… yes. But no. Not really. But someone is causing these… these fragments of thoughts. So technically yes. But it’s not their fault.”

He was even more confused now.

“Gah, this is so stupid.” She slumped to the ground and grabbed thick handfuls of her hair, which had been let down, something he did not see often. “I’m not making any sense.”

“It’s okay,” he said as he joined her on the ground and crossed his legs. “Things at this hour rarely make sense.”

She sat staring at the ground for a long time, tracing a line in the stone tile with her finger. Finally, she spoke slowly, each word carrying the weight of the thoughts and emotions behind it.

“My work is absolutely the most important thing that I’m doing. Regardless of how I feel about anything else, it’s what drives me forward. For almost ten years I’ve never had any real distractions. Not the kind that other women would have, I mean. Most women my age would be married with a couple kids under their roof. That was never a concern for me because well, I just figured that wasn’t something I would get to experience. So I don’t worry about it. I put it out of my mind. I figure, okay, if it’s unlikely I’ll have a family of my own then I’m going to do whatever I can to better this broken, messed up world. And I would have done that anyway, it just would have taken me longer because the reality is… I _do_ want what other women my age have already. I want it a lot. I just pushed it down for so long it became like a dull ringing in my ears that I just got used to.”

There was a pause, so once again, Podrick chose his words carefully. “Shireen, why do you think you won’t get married and have a family some day?”

She looked up from the ground and shot him a perturbed look. “Podrick, this isn’t helping.”

“What isn’t? I’m genuinely confused. You’re a lady from an important family doing important royal work. Why couldn’t a family factor into that at some point?”

Shireen rolled her eyes, exasperated. “Are you going to make me spell this out?”

Podrick opened his mouth, then closed it, realizing that he was digging himself a bigger hole.

“Gods, you really _don’t_ know.” She said, her exasperation turned to incredulity.

“Oh come on, you don’t have to make me feel bad about it.”

Shireen stood up suddenly and walked over to the railing. “Forget I said anything.”

Podrick followed her.  “Wait, Shireen, please. I’m sorry. I’m being thick, I know. I’m just shocked that this is what’s causing you such pain. I honestly just never thought you’d think you wouldn’t get married.”

“It’s not that I don’t think I could get married,” she rasped. “That’s not it is, it? I could get married whenever I want. For every reason other than the one that I want.”

Finally, Podrick understood. “Oh Shireen… is that what you really think?”

“Do you blame me?” She sniffed, and a bitterness infected her words, reminding him of the darkness he had felt earlier. “You’re a man, Podrick. This shouldn’t be difficult for you to grasp. You’re always seeing my face. Have you forgotten what’s stuck to it like a leech? No, worse than that. At least leeches fall off when they’ve had their fill of their host.”

Tears brimmed at the edge of her eyes, threatening to spill over. As she faced him, one of them teetered over the edge and slipped down the greyscale scarred side of her face, getting lost in the myriad of tiny ridges carved there. “I’ve tried so hard to not let it bother me, Podrick. To have a positive attitude and be thankful for the life I have. But sometimes, it’s just so hard. Personality is important, but that only goes so far when half of your face has turned to stone.”

Podrick felt his heart breaking as he watched her standing there, her face contorted into pure, unadulterated agony. Without saying another word, and without thinking, he pulled her close to his chest and cradled the back of her head with his hand. She turned her head down and tugged at his tunic, her body racked by a fresh wave of tears and sobs. She did not hold back. All thoughts left his mind as raw emotion took hold. They held each other, suspended in their own time and place. He tried to calm her by gently stroking her hair. Cautiously, his lips found their way to her forehead, where he kissed her so lightly it almost didn’t count as one.

But she must have felt it, because she looked up at him, her eyes shining, and she was suddenly very aware of his closeness and the intimacy of his moment. She pulled away far too soon for him, but the moment had still rendered him speechless. As she began to wipe the tears away with the back of her hand, he suddenly realized where they were and dug into his pockets for a handkerchief. He found one, but it was crumpled into a ball.

“Gods, nevermind. Who knows where this has been and what it has seen.”

She stared at it, and then at him, and when they both locked eyes, they burst in to a laugh that was louder than necessary, a last ditch effort to dispel the intensity of the situation.

“It’s all right,” she said. “I don’t know where that came from.”

He grew serious again. “Obviously it was something that needed to come out. I hope it helped at least.”

She shrugged. “Not sure yet. Still processing.”

“I understand. But, maybe this will help.” He began unbuttoning the heavy, gold-embroidered tunic that was now damp from her tears.

Her eyes widened. “Podrick? What are you doing?”

He didn’t answer as he removed the rest of the outer armor and was left standing in the laced undershirt. When he started to loosen up the strings at the top, Shireen turned her head in shock.

“Podrick! What in seven hells is the matter with you?”

“Oh please, would you trust me already? There’s a point to this, I promise.”

She turned back around and avoided looking at him as he loosened the undershirt.

“Shireen,” he said gently. “Please, it’s important. This is something that I — well, that I’ve never shared with anyone. It’s something I keep hidden. Always.”

Curiosity got the better of her. She looked up at him, and noticed the line of his collarbone peeking through the now-loose garment. Clearing her throat, she stepped closer to him. “What is it?”

He took a breath. “You’re not the only one with scars. Here. Look.”

He lifted the shirt slowly, and even though it was dark, she could see clearly what he was talking about. A dark red splotch appeared on the left side of his torso. As he continued to lift the shirt, the spot became bigger. Some of it looked like it was raised in areas. A few large bumps lined the edges of the red patch.

“It continues to my back, towards my spine.” He turned to show her. She took hold of the shirt from the back and lifted it with one hand. “It’s a birthmark, or so I was told. Hell of a mark though. It gets irritated by all the armor sometimes. That’s why there’s all the bumps.”

She held back a gasp as she saw the extent of the red. At the same time, she was still intrigued by it. She had never seen a birthmark quite like this. “Do you… mind if I just feel it for a second? It won’t hurt will it?”

The fact that she was not revolted by the sight surprised him more than the request. “I-uh-sure. I suppose. If that’s what you—“

He sucked in a breath when he felt her fingers graze his back.

“I’m sorry,” she said, snapping her hand back. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No it’s okay,” he said, breathing normally again. “Your hands are just a little cold.”

She rubbed them together for a moment before gently placing the tips of her fingers along the edges of the birthmark. She traced the outline all around his torso, back, and lower back, taking note of the shape, pattern, and texture.

He, on the other hand, found it difficult to keep his breathing at a normal rate. When she reached the edge of his spine, he shivered and closed his eyes. In response, she pulled her hand back for the final time.

Her voice cracked slightly when she spoke again. “Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for showing me that.”

“I didn’t want to. I thought you’d think it was… disgusting. I know I’ve been disgusted by it. I don’t like looking at myself with my shirt off. Thankfully, mirrors are expensive.”

“I think it’s unique,” she said softly.

He looked down at her. Now his eyes were shining. “So you’re telling me people can look past scars to see the beauty underneath?” He placed his hand on the greyscale side of her face. “Well isn’t that something?”


End file.
